As Girl Scout Cookie time is upon us, I thought it would be apropos for me to offer Joshua’s protocol on how to get the most enjoyment out of a Thin Mint.
1. Let the Guardian of Cookies know that you would like one. This is best accomplished by squawking “NA! NA! NA!” and jutting a small finger toward the green box on top of the fridge.
2. Once the Thin Mint is attained, squeeek and grin and stomp in a cute little circle, holding cookie in the air over head.
3. Put entire cookie into mouth.
4. Remove cookie from mouth; drool syrup-y saliva into hand, down chin, onto clothes and floor.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4.
6. Repeat steps 3, 4, and 5.
7. Bite into cookie. Rub remaining cookie into ear, making certain there are no taste buds to enhance cookie bliss there.
8. Dab cookie on neck, so the smell will be preserved in the soft underbelly of your chin (and will escape the dreaded washcloth once cookie enjoyment ends).
9. Lay cookie aside and pause for a quick binky-break, making sure to coat binky with plenty of cookie drool (aka “for laters.”)
10. Insert remaining cookie (about 3/4) into mouth, carefully allowing the cookie to jut into cheek.
11. Chew and gum, gum and chew.
12. DO NOT SWALLOW.
13. Instead, surreptitiously move into an uninhabited room and find an out-of-the way place to deposit the mastication, preferably where an unsuspecting member of the family will unknowingly “find” it; for instance, a kitchen chair works well.
14. Repeat from beginning. On subsequent rounds, make certain to find new binkies and hiding places.