Things I should be doing instead of blogging:

1. laundry
2. packing for our trip to VA this weekend
3. going through the recovered files from the salvage we ran yesterday (of nearly 300 deleted files, over half were mine)
4. prepping for the Brownie meeting tonight
5. reading something about method, blogging, online teaching, or action research

But I just wanted to sit down to offer a quick update. This week, I about decided that I couldn’t continue to be a student, a teacher, an intern, a mom, etc. I had one of those days where, literally, EVERYTHING was sucking so bad that I just wanted to walk away. The crap with all my missing files; my baby being the neediest, cryingest, clingingest baby I’ve ever met; my 25-year old brother leaving the toilet seat up and the rim of the bowl covered in piss (repeatedly—could you please just wake up enough to aim, or better yet, sit your sleeping ass down to pee!!??); my Hannah being me—second grade and already having anxiety attacks (“Mom, she pushed *me* out of line and then yelled that I was budging! Then she told! My stomach was hurting and my neck was pinching so I couldn’t breathe, Mom. I had to go to the nurse.”); my husband spending every last penny we have on trucks and plows and trucks and parking them in the driveway so there is no where for the kids to ride their bikes; the bills that come that I can’t pay; my mom calling me (“The Justy broke down again. How’m I going to get to church?”) every day; my niece Charlotte biting Jack (she’s FIVE!! she bit hard enough to bruise him!); Jack’s fungus on his head weeping and oozing and scabbing (now I have to take him to a dermatologist! And his hair is getting so long and shaggy and growing into his ears…but I can’t take him to Susan and ask her to touch his head!). God HELP me.

Somehow, I made it through that day. That was Monday (or Tuesday, now I don’t even remember).

This missing files thing is still bothering me, really. Because this is what happened: Sunday, I connected to the school server, where the my course website and blog live, and where I send a lot of stuff that I’m afraid of losing (so the server is a back-up for me—haha). So I connect, and the folder that has my name is COMPLETELY EMPTY. Like, nothing. Not even the stuff that George, the tech dude, puts into all folders as kind of a default. Blank.

Huh? What the f%#*k happened to it all? George, as nice as he can, says, “Well, what’d you do?” Uh, nothing? Like, I’m fairly anal about logging out of machines if I happen to use one in the department, which I don’t usually do anyway because I just take my iBook.

I did use the teacher machine in the basement cluster last Thursday, because I wanted to use the Smartboard. I did connect to the server, I think, to retrieve something I needed for class. I may not have logged out, though I swear I did.

But even if I didn’t, someone would have had to go to the teacher machine, see my folder open (it wasn’t!!) and literally, and with malice aplenty, selected ALL the stuff in the folder and drug it to the trash, and clicked (again with a huge hateful heart) OK I DO WANT TO TRASH THIS PERSON’S HARD WORK.

So, I feel a little better now. I cut all my hair off today. And I got some of my work back.

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2 thoughts on “Things I should be doing instead of blogging:

  1. My kid has inherited my anxious tendency, too. And all little kids bite, the monsters. And my mom also calls me with needy bullshit at inconvenient times. And I’ve lost work, too.

    All of which is to say just, man. We’ve all been there.

  2. Me, too. My mother had her gallbladder removed this week and I think she was secretly offended I couldn’t drop everything and come nurse her (or whatever).

    Sometimes it does feel like someone has a hold of every square millimeter of your skin, and you think, surely I am not seamless and am bound to burst.

    I find it unbelievably liberating to chop my hair off. Did it last spring, at least six inches.

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