on failure as opportunity

Yesterday’s workout was: 5X3 fat grip deadlifts.

We began with a warm-up which included a new movement, the pistol roll (rolling pistols? pistols with rolls?). These were a challenge, but fun.

Now generally, I enjoy deadlifts. I know that I’ve got some space to increase my capacity, and so when they come up in a workout I’m excited to work on them (and if we’re working toward a max, I generally can post an increase from my last attempt).

Today, however, was not the deadlift I know and love. It was, for lack of a better term, a disaster of monstrous proportions. It was me completely unable to do what I was being asked to do, which is a little bit devastating. We started at 95#, and I could barely keep my fingers gripped around the blue plastic. I managed 3 reps at #95; however, after adding 10# I could only pick it up one time before I failed (we were to pick it up 3 times in a row). I decreased the weight back down to 95# and did several more before I sat down and watched everyone else. And I began to feel a little bit sorry for myself.

Sitting there sulking, I immediately realized how important it was for me to have a humbling experience. It’s because I have this conversation at least once a week:

New CrossFit Person: I really suck at this. This sucks.
Me: Yes, but *everyone* sucks when they start.
NCP: Yes, but I can’t do [insert movement here].
Me: I couldn’t do those when I started, either.
NCP [looking doubtful]: Yes, but I don’t like them…

Today, however, I was one protesting “yes, but.” Yes, but I can’t do this fat grip deadlift, and so I don’t like it. And because I don’t like it (because I can’t do it), I’m not going to do it (which prevents me from EVER being able to do it). That was me, sitting down and pouting while everyone else continued to wrestle with the evil blue plastic grips.

What a fantastic lesson for me to have. I felt, for a moment, the desperation that failure invites. But failure has another invitation: an invitation to renewal. That is, an invitation to reflect, reset, and re-attempt.

My failure was an opportunity: First, I should have started with lower weight (which I still would have certainly struggled with). Second, I should not have worried about what was on the board; I should have allowed myself the workout to be MINE instead of what others could do (“so-and-so got X; therefore, I should get Y”). And finally, I should have just shut up and struggled. Because all that crabbing was wasted energy, energy that my fingers could have used to grip that fat bar and pick it up a couple more times.

going all out

Bleargh. Today was kind of a doozy at work. The end of the semester creates this kind of euphoric-panic, where I’m happy things are finishing up but frantic that I don’t have enough time to finish what needs to be done. So in Decembers and Aprils, I work 120 weeks for a couple of weeks, knowing that soon I’ll be able to breathe.

I recognize a similar effect during CrossFit workouts: once we near the end of a workout I reassure myself that it’s almost over. Therefore, I can usually work extra hard during the last round or last minute and get quite a bit done, but only because I know the END IS NEAR.

Today’s workout, however, didn’t allow me to do that. It was 2 rounds of 45 seconds of floor-to-shoulder with the stones and 45 seconds of burpees; then 2 rounds of 45 seconds of box jumps and 45 seconds of sit-ups. The operative term was maximum effort. That is, for each of those 3 minute sets, we were to go all out.

All. Out.

It reminded me of what world-record marathoner Steve Jones said: “If I am still standing at the end of the race, hit me with a board and knock me down, because that means I didn’t run hard enough.”

With running, I think I know what my maximum effort is. I think. It’s as fast as I can move my feet, right? With CrossFit, though, it’s all different. Maximum effort might be measured in speed, as it is in running, or it might be measured by something else, like weight. So, for instance, during the first set (stone-to-shoulder + burpees), I knew that with the burpees I was definitely going all out. Constant motion. The minute my chest hits the floor, my arms push up and my feet draw forward and I leap; the minute my feet hit the ground, my hands reach for the floor and my feet are behind me and I’m prone again. Repeat. I know I’m working as hard as I can because I’m not thinking, just heaving and moving. It’s a kind of letting go. It’s rhythmic. It’s running.

But the stone-to-ground? Good gravy. The thinking! The fear! Fear of dropping the stone over my shoulder, or on my finger (which I did), or just plain dropping it and breaking it. The fear and thinking make hesitation. I slow. I stop. I collect myself and regroup. That is not all out. It’s self-(and stone-) preservation.

Interestingly (and I suppose purposefully), the second set had two similar moves: one that I could do without thinking, and one that required constant brain-work. While I am not fast with the sit-ups [See instead: Colbey \ˈkoʊl-biː\. Definition: sit-up ninja], I can do them repeatedly with little thought. I can work until I can’t breathe and still keep working. But the box jumps make me think and make me afraid. Thoughtlessness means box bites on the shins. And though I *like* box jumps, I am afraid. Afraid to go all out.

To go all out, there has to be a kind of letting go. A kind of productive wrecklessness. The gain is the risk, and the risk is the gain.

I used to feel — and engage with — that kind of wrecklessness when I first started CrossFit. I would feel my belly flutter as I turned down the block, and then I’d sit in my car for a moment or two, convincing myself to turn the car off and go in. The risk and gain were simply the act of showing up each day. The risk and gain were surviving the most difficult workouts I’ve ever completed. Every workout was all out, because it was all I had to simply show up and do them. But at some point showing up and completing the workouts became less risky. I walk into the box like it’s my home. My framework of risk/gain has shifted, but I haven’t shifted to inhabit those new spaces of risk/gain. I need to re-find that space where I can go all out.

eat clean, train dirty

The quest is officially over; we had a fantastic celebration to mark its ending last night complete with a live band and plenty of food (most of which, incidentally, still qualified as paleo or primal — minus of course the birthday cakes and the beverages). One quick observation from the party last night: I was stuck by the number of incredibly attractive, healthy, happy, fun people I hang out with now. Y’all, my friends are hot. And really really fun.

Anyway, in my discussions last night with my various hot friends, the topic of 90-10 (or 85-15, or 80-20) came up repeatedly. You don’t have eat paleo or primal all the time — you develop a lifestyle in which you eat paleo or primal for 90% of the time, and you eat that damn doughnut if you want 10% of the time. So, that’s where I pretty much am at. I ate a granola bar this week, but it hurt my teeth and gave me a decent headache. I had a beer and a caipirinha last night, and an Irish carbomb cupcake that made my eyes roll back in my head a little bit. Totally worth it. Totally. But today? I’ve eaten my ridicule-inducing ONE EGG breakfast and my coffee with half and half. I’ve eaten a banana, and I’m thinking about some chicken and brussels for lunch. I’m a completely converted, 90-10 primal eater (primal means I get my half and half). I LOVE IT.

Metrics:
1) I did not lose any weight. My weight stayed damn near exactly the same (@126.5 on the scale at the box, if you care). I did lose a few inches, though not many. I’ll have to get my total numbers from Kelsey, but I know my chest measurement is smaller by a fraction and I think I may have shrunk a little bit in other places too. So, if my weight stayed the same but I tightened up, that means I did lose fat and gain lean muscle.
2) I did improve my capacity for lifting. Over the course of this quest, I posted PRs for 1 and 3 rep maxes on the deadlift, clean and jerk, and shoulder press. I attribute this to a trifecta of awesomeness: the diet, consistent training (I made it to the box at least 5 times a week during the quest), and excellent coaching.
3) I also improved several of my WOD times: I took time off Fran, Helen, and my baseline. There may have been others we used as benchmarks, but those were the significant ones for me.

Other Observations:
1) My hair does not fall out in huge clumps in the shower anymore.
2) My skin does not behave as though it belongs to a fifteen year old boy anymore (though it still gets cranky at *ahem* certain times).
3) I *rarely* feel bloaty and belly-ache-y. I did have one or two days during the quest when I made cookies with almond flour and ate several over the course of a day (a couple at lunch, a couple at dinner, a few for snacks); those days were mistakes (almond flour cookies are not good binge food — much too heavy), and I did feel uncomfortably full.
4) Other digestive issues I used to suffer through (I will spare you the details) no longer bother me at all.
5) I managed to (*knock wood*) avoid completely the spring semester cold, which inevitably has me hacking and sniffling for about a week in March.
6) I’m a little more gutsy now. On a whim (and with a little encouragement from a friend), I ventured over to the rock wall at the college gym yesterday, wherein I was given a high compliment: apparently, I am “buff.” Heh. I also climbed to the top of that crazy (and scarily high) monster of a wall in three different runs, one of them with a lovely beyond-vertical overhang. It was terrifying and exhilarating.
7) I have the urge, about once a day, to purchase some Oly shoes. I’m thinking something like this:

8) I did suffer a small injury about 2 weeks ago. I took one day off, spent a few days working with scaled and/or modified movements, did a little icing and stretching, and then I was fine. I attribute that quick recovery in part to clean eating.

What I Learned:
1) You can still eat that half of a leftover pepper after it’s been sitting on the counter for a few days, the edges curling and the skin wrinkly. Same with onions. Same with zucchinis and squash that have been sitting in the crisper a little too long. They may be a bit flaccid and sad-looking, but they steam up just fine. Don’t throw away your veggies just because you didn’t buy them yesterday!
2) Anything you can do with a white potato, you can do with a sweet potato BETTER. Sweet potato fries actually have flavor, whereas regular fries are… well, they taste like ketchup and mayo (because that’s what I used to eat on them). Sweet potato fries only need a sprinkle of salt, or cinnamon if you’re feeling adventurous, and holy shit they are heavenly.
3) Brussels sprouts are surprisingly compelling. Especially when cooked in a little bacon fat.
4) It’s easy to grill all your meat (steak, chicken) on the weekend and then re-heat it during the week for lunches and quick dinners. It’s even EASIER when you don’t have to actually grill it, but you have someone who loves you who will do it for you.
5) Coconut oil is like Crisco, only BETTER. And about 8 times the cost.
6) Good food is more expensive. I already knew that. But your food is an investment in yourself. Why would you devalue yourself by eating cheap, crappy food?
7) The number of dishes you dirty is directly proportional to how healthy your eating is. The healthier you eat, the more f*cking dishes you have to do. If you’re not dirtying any dishes, you’re not eating right. This applies especially to knives and cutting boards. I chopped veggies and fruit every day on this diet. Every. Day.
8) Doing the dishes twice a day makes for clean fingernails and healthy nailbeds. Also, it gives you extra opportunity to soften up those calluses and grind them down a little.

Disappointments:
1) My grey hair has not magically disappeared. Oh well.

aleana’s birthday date balls

Had to makes something sweet today so I could help celebrate my dearest and oldest friend Aleana’s birthday.

Combine in the food processor:
20 small dates
4 Tbsp cocoa powder
1/4 C coconut flakes
1/2 C pecans
2 Tbsp almond butter
1 tsp vanilla

Roll into balls and then roll lightly in some additional cocoa powder. Put in the fridge for a bit so they firm up.

n i n e t y

Now when my friends come over, we share our feats of strength. Before Shawn did his free standing handstand pushup, we were doing them on the wall. We also did pistols and planches (attempted — I cheat with my elbows planted firmly into my chest). I should also mention he did two before I had the sense to press the button on my phone to catch the video.

It’s late; I’ll share my full reflections on this paleo eating business later. But for now, I give you my last day’s food:

Breakfast:
[8:30]
one egg with onions, yellow peppers, and spinach
3 slices of bacon
coffee

Snack:
[11:00]
pumpkin seeds
cashews

Lunch:
[1:30]
cinnamon applesauce
2 ozs grilled chicken

Snack:
[3:00]
one apple + 3 celery stalks + almond butter + sesame seeds

Dinner:
[7:30]
one grilled pork chop
roasted yellow and zucchini squash and broccoli
sweet potato fries

Dessert:
[9:30]
four date balls (recipe forthcoming!)

eighty-niiiiiiine

Breakfast:
[7:30]
coffee
three fig cookies

Lunch:
[11:30]
two hard boiled eggs
1/4 C cashews

Snack:
[3:30]
Carrot Larabar

Insert grocery shopping here!!

Bought some half and half for Sunday!!

Snack:
[6:30]
6 strawberries
pumpkin seeds

Dinner:
[8:00]
half a grilled chicken breast, 3 ozs grilled filet, wilted spinach with yellow peppers and onions, and…
homemade sweet potato fries. YUM.

WOD:
8 rounds of 5 burpees, 5 ring dips, 5 toes to bar and then 3 rep max shoulder press (83#) and 1 rep max jerk (93#). I can do far more for the jerk (108# on 1/25/12), but I am not using the split right now so my hip flexor can heal.

88

Still have not grocery shopped. Things are getting sketchy.

Breakfast:
[7:30]
three small sweet potato pancakes, minus the apple
coffee

Lunch:
[11:30]
one half a scarily old grilled chicken breast I found in the fridge + 10 sad, rubbery brussels

Snack:
[2:00]
Apple Larabar
about 1/4 C pumpkin seeds
coffee

Din:
[5:30]
chicken and broccoli sprinkled with sunflower seeds

Snack:
[9:00]
handful of cashews
a few fig cookie bites

WOD:
4 rounds: 200 flutter kicks (mod for mountain climbers), 250M row, 400M run. Good stuff.

87

Breakfast:
[7:30]
one egg scrambled with the sausage, tomato, and spinach leftovers
coffee BLACK. Sadly, I’m out of almond milk and all the rest of the staples, too. Old mother hubbard, here. Went to the cupboard to get my poor Joshie breakfast this morning — I found an old, wrinkly pouch of Cream of Wheat. That’s what he got.)

Lunch:
[12:30]
one egg scrambled with the sausage, tomato, and spinach leftovers (Yep. Same damn thing as breakfast. But it was gooood.)
some almonds, cashews, and 3 dates

Dinner?
[4:30]
three sweet potato pancakes

Snack:
[7:30]
sweet potato chips
coffee

Dinner #2?
[10:30]
two hard boiled eggs + 10 olives + mustard salad

WOD: 30-20-10 75# back squats and ring dips with 50 double-unders between each round. This was a modified WOD so that I wouldn’t have to do the weighted lunges.

86??!!1!

I feel, sitting here with my lame-ish leg (though I’ve decided it’s not all that bad), like this is all coming to a end too quickly. I have 4 days before… something. I’m not sure what the end will really mean. Maybe it will mean that I won’t eat fruit and nuts uncontrollably anymore. At least I hope.

Breakfast:
[7:30]
coffee + almond milk

Lunch:
[12:00]
Coconut Larabar
one boiled egg, one avocado, and 10-olive salad

Snack:
[4:00]
one huge apple + almond butter + raisins + sunflower seeds
three fig cookies

Snack:
[6:00]
sunflower seeds + a few almonds and 3 dates

Din:
[7:30]
pork sausage + tomatoes + spinach
one mandarin orange
2 fig cookies

No WOD. Walked to west campus today for a meeting. Did some pull-ups at the soccer field. Busted out some push-ups on the kitchen floor while dinner was cooking.

85

So. I’ve run 5 marathons and an ultra. One year, my bud Deb and I dabbled in “streaking,” running at least 3 miles a day for over 90 consecutive days (it may have been more; I can’t remember). I’ve run countless 5 and 10Ks, and a variety of other distances (15Ks, 10 milers, half-marathons). I have so many race numbers I could paper my bedroom with them.

I never DNFed.

CrossFit has given me my first DNF. The workout today was “Hammer”: 5 rounds of 5 cleans, 10 front squats, 5 jerks, and 20 pull-ups. On round 3, I pulled a muscle or some connective tissue in my leg on my third jerk. From pictures I’ve looked at on the internet, like this one,
it feels like an iliopsoas or inguinal ligament pull.

I told Chris, the trainer running my session, that I couldn’t finish. Chris (being the lovely and encouraging Chris that he is) asked me to try once more. I easily cleaned the bar, but upon dropping under the bar in the jerk, my left hip flexor — the one that I lunge behind me — felt like I was tearing it. So, I sat on my platform and thought, no big deal. I watched Missy finish and cheered a little as Al completed his last round of pull-ups. I squatted a few times, which didn’t hurt, and I tried a few pull-ups, which did (on the kip).

I left the box and went back to work. Walked a little around campus to run some errands, and spent the afternoon in my office writing.

I took Joshua to soccer practice. Jackson and I dribbled and passed a ball in the empty adjacent field. I paid small but keen attention to how I couldn’t chase the ball like I wanted.

I am trying not to feel upset about this. But guys, this really really totally seriously will put a cramp (no pun there) in my style. Grrr.

Breakfast:
[7:30]
one egg + mushrooms, half an onion, and two sausage links
coffee + almond milk

Lunch:
[12:00]
two fig cookies
one apple + 3 celery stalks + almond butter + sunflower seeds + raisins

Snack:
[2:00]
Coconut Cream Larabar
two fig cookies

Din:
[5:00]
small hunk of leftover filet (3 ozs or so) + half a yellow squash and about 15 brussels

Snack:
[7:30]
sweet potato chips from Trader Joe’s
3 mandarin oranges

WOD. Well, part of one, anyway.